Mommin' Don't Stop

My girls have only ever shared a room on vacation up until now. We moved from a three-bedroom to a two-bedroom, and now we're in daily uncharted territory. One thing we've learned for sure is that my Twylla girl won’t go back to sleep if she’s woken by her sister. So here I am, keeping Elli Jeane company.

It’s 2:30 am. I am typing this on my phone from a bean bag next to her crib.

Neither she nor I make a habit of meeting at this time of night. We both like our sleep. But tonight, something is keeping her up and she just wants momma next to her. There is no reasonable or apparent explanation.

And that is completely okay. Sometimes I just want my momma so I get it.

But I’m tired. I desire to lay in my bed and get some shut eye, but as soon as I attempt to leave the room, she calls for me. I'm compelled to stay for her comfort.

Before we moved, I would let her self-soothe. It worked for our family and she is actually quite good at it. She isn't really a crier anyway, whether she's awake or asleep. In her crib, she usually whines a bit, and flips over, grabs her stuffed bunny, whines a bit more, then falls back to sleep. It's pretty rare that it takes her longer than a few minutes to settle.

So when she woke up tonight, I paused for a minute before I stumbled out of bed and into her room. I picked up the baby monitor and watched her. She was standing—this is highly unusual and a sure sign that one of our rare mid-night meetings was about to occur. I waited for half a heart-beat. She didn't lay back down.

The realization cemented when the camera switched to her big sister who also began to stir. So, I sleepily launched myself out of my nice, comfy bed, still hoping that I'd return to get some shut eye before too long.

I silently prayed that T wouldn't wake up too, because if she did, no one would be getting any sleep tonight.

I'm able to get her to lie down and whisper. I stick my hand through the crib rails and hold her little foot. She likes it when I do that because she knows I'm with her. She knows as long as she feels my hand on her foot, momma isn't going anywhere. She's quiet, but not yet ready to close her eyes and fall back to sleep.

But I need something to keep my eyes awake. I hate just sitting there because it makes me inpatient, thinking of all the things I could be doing while awake. So I'm glad I grabbed my phone as a distraction as I left my room.

So far, I’ve spent some time cruising silent social media but I’m already bored by it. There’s nothing useful there during the day, let alone in the middle of the night.

I silently giggle to myself that my husband would get a kick out of my mid-night thoughts about social media. He desperately wishes I'd close all of my accounts and abandon the societal norm.

But I choose to keep it because we are so far from any family and friends and I like the little glimpses into their lives and allowing them glimpses into ours.

Being a mom is so busy, and sometimes I miss my friends and cousins, but don't have the time I'd like to call and catch up. With social media, I can see little hints of their lives, and when they "like" or comment on one of our pictures, I know they feel the same way.

It's not an ideal way to communicate, and I do miss the phone calls, the coffee chats, and the long dinners laughing, but with two little girls and a house an hour away from the closest friend—maybe silent social media isn't quite so useless after all.

I tried to read on my phone next but if I’m honest, I read three pages and realized I don’t know what those pages said. Why? Because I’m exhausted.

I went to bed far too late last night, because I didn't get enough tasks done during the day. I am choosing to invest in my professional life and that takes up four hours in my morning and a few hours in my afternoon. It leaves far less time to get the daily tasks of running a household done and spend the time my girls need me to spend with them.

So I stayed up. I cleaned my kitchen. I wiped down the bathroom. I staged a load of laundry for tomorrow morning. I swept the floors. And I unpacked a couple of boxes that I knew had some of the girls craft supplies--staples if I’m going to make it through four more hours of professional improvement tomorrow!

Mommin' don't stop. Ever. I’m on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Even when I don’t have my kids with me, there are still “mom things” that I do.

The girls might be with grandma, but our house needs some tidying up, and while I'm doing that, I usually realize that we're running low on something. Probably tortillas.

We can't not have tortillas. It's one of the main food groups for my picky T. Oh, and look at that, E is out of blueberries. I need to add that to the list. And figure out when I can make it to the grocery store!

But wait, I have a stack of books that need to be repaired. This is the perfect time to get those done since both kids are asleep. Where's the tape again? Did it get unpacked yet? Did we even have any before we moved? Maybe that should be added to the list.

Uh oh, I hear a pitter patter of tiny feet coming down the hall. "Momma, I had a nightmare. Can you rock me?"

This is my reality. This is where I am at in life. But when it comes to my kids, I've realized that sometimes, stopping completely and giving them the comfort they desire is everything to them, even when it's the biggest inconvenience to me.

So I'm up at 3:30 in the morning, still holding baby E's tiny foot, waiting until she drifts off to sleep.

I'm exhausted.

I wonder what my momma is doing. I could really use her help right now.