The Bittersweet of Donating Pumped Milk

I donated 537 ounces today to a life-long friend for her little baby. It felt amazing knowing that the liquid gold was going to someone who was going to appreciate it. But even writing that sentence seems a little bit silly.

I know that if I had donated it to someone else, a stranger, or a friend of a friend, they would have appreciated it, too. Anyone in the situation of wanting to feed their little baby some breast milk would appreciate the donation.

But in the time leading up to donating it, I really struggled with the idea of it.

I went back to work on January 6th. I am a teacher so pumping at work isn’t an easy task--not that it is for ANYONE. But being a teacher, I have to follow the schedule of the school. So I had very specific set times when I’d be able to pump. I’ve done this before.

I knew I didn’t want to be stuck behind a locked door for EVERY lunch, and EVERY recess, and EVERY after school duty. I knew how isolating that would be. So I carefully crafted a pump schedule that will allow me to produce enough to feed my little one without infringing on time to use the restroom, help students, visit colleagues, or just take a BREAK.

I woke up between 4 and 4:30 in the morning and hooked myself up to my pump. I’d pump for 25-35 minutes while reading my bible or a novel, or if I had an especially unrestful night the night before, watching a little bit of TV on my phone. I’d end up with anywhere from 6-14oz in the morning pump.

After feeding my baby when she woke up and leaving for work, I would do a quick 10 minute pump session at work before the day started because I would not have the chance to pump again until 12:45. At that point, I would pump again for 30 minutes and end up with anywhere from 6-12 oz by the end of work.

When I first went back to work, I was also pumping at night after the baby went to sleep, but when I saw how much I was producing, I cut that session out. But if you look at this, I was pumping at least an hour EVERY day. That is a LOT of work, and a LOT of bottles and pump parts!

I saw how much I was producing, so even before COVID-19 cut my school year short, I had a feeling I’d end up donating some of my milk stash. But when COVID-19 hit, the reality slowly hit me that all the milk sitting in our deep freezer was likely NEVER going down my little one’s gullet.

I have never given my girls a breastmilk bottle. I have always nursed. If they’ve had breastmilk bottles, they’ve always been given to them by someone else. So when I suddenly became a work from home mom and my husband went from being on paternity leave from his part-time job to working full time plus overtime, I knew that all that milk would literally go bad before I went back to work, which means we either had to give it up, or I had to give up nursing full-time and giving her bottles.

I wasn’t willing to do that, so I started thinking about donating. I joined the Facebook groups, I looked for posts from mommas seeking milk, and even posted about having milk for mommas. I got no response. I don’t know if this COVID-19 season had people worried, or if there wasn’t a need. But it wasn’t happening. So I shelved the idea.

I was happy shelving the idea at that point because I was worried about giving up the milk. I was worried about giving up ALL! THAT! TIME! that I put into pumping that milk. I worried about the ridiculous “what-ifs” like “what if I stop producing?”

Then I started waking up engorged. And leaking. And then I’d leak in the middle of the day. Then I realized that maybe I needed to start using my Haakaa again. Because suddenly, now that I am home and exclusively breastfeeding, my supply seems to have jumped up again. I considered that maybe this was a sign from God that it was time to give up my stash.

Then I was messaging my friend and realized she might be able to use it. So I asked her, and she was so grateful to accept. We arranged a time for her to pick it up.

And I still felt a little bit uneasy about giving it up. Even though I KNEW how much it would help her. I still felt a little selfish thinking, “But I spent ALL! THAT! TIME! pumping!” But when she came by and picked it up, I felt nothing but pure happiness.

I was so grateful for that opportunity to help her and her baby girl. It was a gift to me as much as to her because it was a reminder of being selfless. Especially in this selfish world.

I am home all day and with two little girls and because they are so little, I feel like there is almost nothing I can feasibly do for others during this time. I can’t go shopping for others unless it’s the weekend and my husband isn’t working. I can’t make anything with my sewing machine because that would be a hot mess with a preschooler and a baby who both need and deserve my attention.

But this, this I could do. It was a small act, and it was bittersweet, but in the end, the sweet far outlasted the bitter.