The Loneliness of Motherhood

Motherhood. We are on the clock 24/7 and just about always have someone on us, near us, asking for us, or needing us. We crave alone time, while at the same time feeling desperately lonely.

We live in a world where we have multiple forms of communication at our fingertips but the courage to use it when we really need it has gone away with our free time. The world used to be centered around the larger family--people were always around to help with the kids. Sisters or cousins had kids around the same time so there was built in camaraderie.

But today, we are so far apart from our families, and our society has changed the why, when, and where we have kids, leaving so many moms alone when they have their first child and any subsequent children.

Just before my husband and I got married, we found ourselves often traveling an hour away from our hometown to visit friends. This town was more “us” and it was conveniently more affordable. Once we got married, I started looking for teaching jobs near this town and soon enough, found one teaching middle school.

We packed up and moved to this new town. We loved everything about it. It was smaller, less expensive, and had way less traffic meaning our “commute” to work was shorter than any commute we’d ever had. It was everything we wanted, until we decided to have a baby and I realized how far I was from my family.

That realization hit me hard. I wouldn’t have a built in support system to lean on that I had seen my older brother and sister-in-law have when they had their daughter. And our friends who lived nearby, they were at a completely different stage in life with a teenager. While I knew my friend would be there for me, I also was realistic and knew she was going to be living at a different pace than me for

a while.

When my first was born, I struggled. I felt alone and I felt like very few, if anyone, understood. I felt like it had been so long for the people around me with kids to really get what I was feeling in those moments alone with a newborn. That, coupled with postpartum depression, was the most difficult thing I’ve faced in motherhood.

Three years later, along with the birth of my second daughter, I still struggle with loneliness, but I do not feel like those around me wouldn’t understand. I have found people who are in the same season, and people who aren’t but understood me well enough to relate to where I am.

Even with that, the lonely moments come--but only because I let them. I have begun to recognize that I am too nervous to reach out sometimes. I worry that I am bothering them, or that I’ll appear awkward. But I’ve also realized that if I don’t want to feel that loneliness, I need to stop those thoughts and remember the friends who have said to me, “Text me, call me. I’m here.”

I am still not the best at it. But I’ve gotten better at it. I send the text (and don’t freak out when I don’t get an immediate response, but instead remember that person might ALSO be dealing with a tantruming toddler or screaming baby). I pick up my phone and call them. Or, I make plans to have our kids play. I get out of the house, or invite them to mine.

It isn’t easy. But neither is the loneliness. Sometimes, the choice to do the hard thing is the best thing for me.

Sweet momma, if you are feeling lonely, I encourage you to pick up the phone. Send the text. Make the play date. Don’t worry about your hair or your clothes. Don’t worry about your house and how it looks when they show up. Don’t worry about if your kids are beyond wild. Get that friend to come by, sit with you, talk about something other than Bubble Guppies and Daniel Tiger, rediscover the community we were meant to need, and push away the loneliness.