The Return to Work

Two of the hardest days I have faced as a mom are the days I’ve had to return to work after maternity leave. When I was on maternity leave with my first, I desired the interactions I’d have at work with other adults and even with my 7th grade students. But I still fell apart when I had to return to work. I didn’t really want to leave my baby. To top it off, she had her first cold, and I felt all the mom guilt leaving her.

But, we were lucky enough to have family watching her, which surely helped the blow of returning. We knew she would be well cared for and loved and safe. But the fact remained that, despite wanting to have adult interactions, my heart’s desire was to be home with my family.

Three and a half years ago, when I had to return to work after my first maternity leave, we couldn’t have even dreamed of being able to financially afford for me to stay home, so the idea of staying home quickly passed from my brain. It was never a conversation we had—the “maybe I could stay home with her full-time” conversation. My income was pivotal to our family’s support. So I was proud to go to work and help to provide.

But now, as I face the return to work after having the last four months home (that’s the first full 18 weeks of her life; 133 days!) with my 4 month old, and almost 7 months home with my 3 and a half year old, I. Am. Struggling. My momma heart desires more than ANYTHING to stay home with my girls.

Do I miss adult conversations and interacting with others? Only slightly. Why? Because I have that fulfilled that need in other ways; a weekly bible study with 13 amazing women, a MOPS group that meets a few times a month, moms at preschool drop off and pick up that I’ve become friends with, and other mom friends who I’m able to text or call, and set up playdates with.

And my heart is breaking knowing I have to return. My heart hurts knowing I’ll be spending more time away from my girls than with them. My heart is breaking.

This desire to stay home has only grown in the last three years. Where it once was just an idea so far out of reach, it has grown into a true hearts desire that makes my whole self ache. I know deep down, that God has placed this desire in my heart.

And I’ve learned in the last year that if God places a desire in our hearts, he will help to make it happen. Right now, we are in the waiting. And the waiting is hard.

But I’ve learned that God is never late in his plans for our lives. I don’t know what is in store for me as I return to my 50 or so students, and leave my two precious daughters. But my husband said it best, “You always talk about how God has a plan and so maybe there’s a kid in your class that needs you to teach them and be there for them. Our girls will be ok, and when it’s time, God will make sure you’re home with them.”

It’s hard, the waiting. But trusting God to know the right timing is so very important. He is faithful and he will make sure that when the time is right, I am able to stay home with my girls. Until then, (and after, too!) in all I do, I will do it for the glory of God.