When you get what you want...but not the way you wanted it.

When I went back to work in January after maternity leave, I struggled more than I thought I would. When I was home, I was dreading having to return, but I figured it would be similar to when I went back with my first--hard at first, but ok once we fell into a rhythm.

Time passed, and it didn’t get easier. It wasn’t just leaving the baby. It was missing preschool drop-off and pick up. It was leaving both girls to teach my students at work. It was only getting a few precious hours with my girls each evening before bed and just minutes in some cases each morning before I had to leave.

In addition to missing my kids, I missed my routine. I was exhausted from being back at work that I was struggling to wake up early enough to read my Bible and spend time with God, and I was too tired at night. I felt like I had to stay up late to get the kitchen cleaned. I would look around and the house was always a complete disaster. Laundry piled up.

When I was on maternity leave, I had a solid routine. The house was tidy, the kitchen cleaned, the laundry done AND put away. I could get things done, and do them well. But when I went back to work, I felt like I was failing at ALL aspects of my life.

My kids missed me--my preschooler vocalized it loudly when I’d have to leave, and the baby decided the best time to tell me was at 11pm...and 1am...and 3am... and 5am.

My house was a mess and clearly missed me too. Husbands are great, but mine couldn’t quite grasp the concept of take care of the kids AND the house.

My work was scattered. I felt like I was constantly chasing my tail and I was letting my students down. And when parent-teacher conferences rolled around, boy did I feel a level of mom-shame I’ve never felt before.

My husband was irritated because I was constantly falling apart. He tried to be supportive and helpful, but didn’t know how to be, because I did NOT know what it was I exactly needed. Looking back, I think I just needed a minute for myself.

Through all this, I prayed--usually while driving or laying in bed because I didn’t have any time to sit and pray or read my Bible. I prayed for a way to stay home with my kids and still support my family. In a way, that was another reason for starting this blog. I was writing “posts” long before I actually started the website.

I prayed for my husband to get more hours or be called up to full-time at his company so we could afford for me to stay home.

I prayed for a miracle of some sort. ANY sort.

Well, God clearly heard me. I’m home, working, and still supporting my family. With my kids in the same room. While my husband is working A LOT more hours.

It is NOT what I expected, but I am trying to see all the perks of it! God heard my cries, and provided a way for me to stay home. I just never imagined it would be because of a shelter-in-place mandate by the State of California.

I didn’t think it would mean teaching via my webcam on Google Meet, while my preschooler melted down because I can’t play with her. I didn’t think it would mean trying to balance a seven month old’s nap schedule and a seventh grade class schedule at the same time. I didn’t think it would mean no play dates, no visits to grandma’s house, and no park time. I didn’t think it would mean parenting two kids alone for all but an hour and a half each week day and doing bedtime alone every week night.

I clearly didn’t get specific enough when I prayed. I asked God to stay home with my girls and still provide for my family. I didn’t think he would take the “stay home” part quite so literally.

But we are lucky. Our family is safe and healthy. We are both still able to work and have a steady income stream. We are able to take care of our girls, and we are still able to go for walks around the block. We have FaceTime, Zoom, and Facebook Messenger to video chat with family and friends. We have online church services. And I have irreplaceable time with my girls.

Do I wish that time could be spent with them doing fun things outside of the house and going fun places? Absolutely, but I thank God each day that I am getting the time and the memories at home. It’s not always easy--especially with my little preschooler who has big, big emotions. But it is temporary.

At some point, I will have to return to work, and we will have to return to “normal.” And the thing I try to remember through the hard moments and the difficult days is that when we do have to go back to our regular lives, I am going to so desperately miss this quality time I am getting with these two precious tiny humans.

So I thank GOD that he answered my prayer. Even though it isn’t the way I would have answered it. After all, he knows best.